The Process

This time last year, I weighed 200 pounds.

That is a little shocking to see, especially because some of the female contestants who are on the Biggest Loser just 20 pounds heavier.  While I'm aware that I never looked like they do when they start the show - being about six feet tall does have it's perks, but there is something demoralizing about stepping on the scale and knowing I wasn't in the ones anymore.  Incredibly demoralizing.  I had flashbacks to high school, the nit-picky self-degradation of my body.  Add to that the fact that Enoch is not only shorter than me, but also has a waist size that I haven't seen since I stopped growing, and I just didn't have much to be happy about.  I finally realized how much this was impacting me when I looked through my clothes closet and found that a majority of my clothing was brown, grey or black.  It was a perfect reflection of my outlook.  When it came to my appearance, my body, my health, I was depressed.

My problem was I had so many plates spinning on high unstable sticks that I knew adding one more would make all the rest come crashing down.  Something had to give and it was my workouts, my time and effort to eat well, my commitment to take care of me.

Last spring I had an incident (no more description...) that dropped me to my lowest low in terms of my self-esteem.  I was crushed.  I cried so hard I couldn't stand up.  It took weeks to even begin to think about myself as I had in the past, but coming out of that depression, I realized that it was the perfect time to address the issue I had kept dismissing. 

I found a website that was compatible to my preferences and very user friendly and I started documenting EVERYTHING I ate.  There was a lot of crap.  I was grabbing what was quick, what was easy, and the calories indicated that.  I saw what I was supposed to eat to get down to where I wanted and was convinced that I wouldn't ever get there without being the most irritable person on the planet because I was hungry.  But then I found out about Bountiful Baskets. And I started changing the way I thought about food.  I found that when I was completely focused on using EVERYTHING in that basket first, I was eating very natural foods, lots of fruits and veggies, and the weight started coming off. 

Then I got invited to play volleyball with some friends, which was a delight, and more weight started coming off.  And I committed myself to my health, focused on being happy FOR ME, setting aside some time for me and working on my overall well-being.  Then I did what I thought I never would and picked up running, with some motivation from here.  I've also tried to use my bike instead of my car whenever possible - including hooking up the bike trailer we have from when the kids were little to pick up my Bountiful Basket.

Thus far, I have lost 22 pounds.  In three more pounds, I will weigh what I did when I graduated high school.  Then I have 15 more to go to weigh what I did when I got married.  Yea, I did the freshman 15 in reverse.

Remember the title of this post?  This is a process.  Just yesterday I lost focus of things and spent some time feeling like all I do is work and never take time for me.  So I went on a walk.  Quickly.  For some reason an increased heart-rate seems to help put things back in perspective for me. 

I have been rehabbing some injuries, so I'm not running faster and some days am even slower than I was two or three days before.  But I no longer downward spiral when I see a picture of myself.  And my complication lately is that I don't have much to wear to work because none of it fits me anymore - the good way. 

This hasn't been a fast process - there have been weeks of plateaus when I wanted to cry over how hard I'd worked, how good I'd been and how the number didn't move - or even worse, went the wrong way. (now should also be the time when I let you know that I don't have a scale at my house - my OCD over weight would drive me insane if I did - I check my weight weekly at one of my parent's/in-law's houses).  This has been a life change, one that I'm really enjoying.  Granted, to some people, the idea of entering all their food everyday seems like quite a burden.  But for me it has been liberating. 

I'm remembering how to be happy with me.