A Better Self

Last year, at this time, I decided I had lost me.  So I really put some thought into what I could do to find me again.

In case you are wondering, or if you have lost yourself in all your other roles, let me tell you something.  More than a few tears were shed trying to find myself again.  It required an honest look into reality, a realization of all the things that I easily dismissed, and it was outrageously a little scary, putting myself out there like that, even if it was only to myself.

But the other end is fun and exciting and full of tremendous possibilities beyond what I had ever dreamed. 

Last year's resolutions for me were summed up in one word - LOVE.

I told myself I was going to do what I loved.  I was going to remember what I had loved before and do that again.  I was going to make the most of the time I had with those I loved.  And I was going to figure out how to love myself.

Best. Resolution. Ever.

So now what?  I was thinking about that when I found this quote by Neil Gaiman and decided it was my new motto for 2012.

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

I hope this happens for you too.

What are your plans to make next year better than last?

Happier

Have you ever just been happy?  Maybe still tired, worn down, but happy? 

I have felt this way for a month. 

Yep, 31 full days. 

I have been watching all the leaves fall from trees and it just makes me feel like little blessings blowing all around me. 

Why, you ask? 

Because I'm pursuing my passions. 

I'm doing NaNoWriMo again, and I'm happy to report that as of this very second, I have more than 12% done.  I have a storyline that I love, that is deep enough to really take me places and with characters who are revealing a depth I didn't think they could have.

I've really found a fun network of people who are chasing the same dream, have the same crazy, eccentric thoughts that I do and are a little tired but excited. 

My writer's group has been instrumental in helping me develop this story in ways I never thought it could go.

My kids are finding their place - realizing likes, dislikes, what makes them happy and Enoch still has work.  Maybe too much. 

I have had many times of extreme frustration, wondering when I was going to find Tasha again.  And, in the last month, I've really found her, and I have to say, she's lots of fun to have around. 

This may be confusing, but I think many will agree to knowing what it feels like to be mom, wife, church worker, employee, laundry/cleaning/food expert.  And I know I still have to be all those things, but now I can be me too.


I made room in my life to let me be me and I plan on keeping me around for a long time. 

Being pushed back to me

During the first four years of my teaching career, I went through this strange experience.  I felt incredible satisfaction as a teacher, really felt like I got to the point where I was honed in on my kids, their passions, my ability to support them in those and feel like my marriage was the best it's ever been. 

Yet, I was lost.  Unsatisfied.  Depressed.

Yes, part of it was my physical appearance, and there are still those pesky last ten pounds I would LIKE to lose, but if they are here to stay, I'm not dissatisfied. 

Outside of a few online exceptions and work colleagues, I really didn't have friends.  Part of it was my absolute and complete lack of desire at belonging to a Bunco group - so not what I wanted. 

I took on an attitude, especially during completing my Master's, that was "I am woman, watch me conquer the whole freakin' world."  My music reflected this, my mindset reflected this.  And I think to have the success I did, this was necessary.

But each of these caused me to become lost, feel incredibly lonely and completely forget who Tasha was.

Then I started writing again.  And I got invited to be part of a writing group. 

And one night, a particularly low night, my husband with his very blunt manner but with very good intent, told me if I didn't like my life, I could either keep crying about it or figure out something to do to change it. 

In the last two weeks, I have been to a writing conference at UVU, attended a particularly productive writer's group and spent eight hours yesterday with Mette Ivie Harrison and several Southern Utah writers, receiving good critiques but some pretty decent praise. 

Enoch has been nothing but supportive.  For me to travel north last week, he had to cover some things with the kids and take a short day of work.  He puts the kids to bed when I go to my writer's group.  He is affectionate when I'm leaving, excited to hear about things when I return. 

I feel a great deal of satisfaction with my life, and a huge part of that is because of him. 

Yup, I'm pretty lucky.

The Process

This time last year, I weighed 200 pounds.

That is a little shocking to see, especially because some of the female contestants who are on the Biggest Loser just 20 pounds heavier.  While I'm aware that I never looked like they do when they start the show - being about six feet tall does have it's perks, but there is something demoralizing about stepping on the scale and knowing I wasn't in the ones anymore.  Incredibly demoralizing.  I had flashbacks to high school, the nit-picky self-degradation of my body.  Add to that the fact that Enoch is not only shorter than me, but also has a waist size that I haven't seen since I stopped growing, and I just didn't have much to be happy about.  I finally realized how much this was impacting me when I looked through my clothes closet and found that a majority of my clothing was brown, grey or black.  It was a perfect reflection of my outlook.  When it came to my appearance, my body, my health, I was depressed.

My problem was I had so many plates spinning on high unstable sticks that I knew adding one more would make all the rest come crashing down.  Something had to give and it was my workouts, my time and effort to eat well, my commitment to take care of me.

Last spring I had an incident (no more description...) that dropped me to my lowest low in terms of my self-esteem.  I was crushed.  I cried so hard I couldn't stand up.  It took weeks to even begin to think about myself as I had in the past, but coming out of that depression, I realized that it was the perfect time to address the issue I had kept dismissing. 

I found a website that was compatible to my preferences and very user friendly and I started documenting EVERYTHING I ate.  There was a lot of crap.  I was grabbing what was quick, what was easy, and the calories indicated that.  I saw what I was supposed to eat to get down to where I wanted and was convinced that I wouldn't ever get there without being the most irritable person on the planet because I was hungry.  But then I found out about Bountiful Baskets. And I started changing the way I thought about food.  I found that when I was completely focused on using EVERYTHING in that basket first, I was eating very natural foods, lots of fruits and veggies, and the weight started coming off. 

Then I got invited to play volleyball with some friends, which was a delight, and more weight started coming off.  And I committed myself to my health, focused on being happy FOR ME, setting aside some time for me and working on my overall well-being.  Then I did what I thought I never would and picked up running, with some motivation from here.  I've also tried to use my bike instead of my car whenever possible - including hooking up the bike trailer we have from when the kids were little to pick up my Bountiful Basket.

Thus far, I have lost 22 pounds.  In three more pounds, I will weigh what I did when I graduated high school.  Then I have 15 more to go to weigh what I did when I got married.  Yea, I did the freshman 15 in reverse.

Remember the title of this post?  This is a process.  Just yesterday I lost focus of things and spent some time feeling like all I do is work and never take time for me.  So I went on a walk.  Quickly.  For some reason an increased heart-rate seems to help put things back in perspective for me. 

I have been rehabbing some injuries, so I'm not running faster and some days am even slower than I was two or three days before.  But I no longer downward spiral when I see a picture of myself.  And my complication lately is that I don't have much to wear to work because none of it fits me anymore - the good way. 

This hasn't been a fast process - there have been weeks of plateaus when I wanted to cry over how hard I'd worked, how good I'd been and how the number didn't move - or even worse, went the wrong way. (now should also be the time when I let you know that I don't have a scale at my house - my OCD over weight would drive me insane if I did - I check my weight weekly at one of my parent's/in-law's houses).  This has been a life change, one that I'm really enjoying.  Granted, to some people, the idea of entering all their food everyday seems like quite a burden.  But for me it has been liberating. 

I'm remembering how to be happy with me. 

A Heavenly Home in the making...

Several weeks ago, when I was getting ready to do my visiting teaching, I read the message and it just didn't seem to resonate with me as the exact direction I needed to take with the sisters I was visiting.  I did some research, explored some of my favorite minds, and stumbled on a speech that, when reading, I had the overwhelming impression that it was a talk that would perfectly fit with my sisters.

But more importantly, it really stuck with me.  I read it through and went immediately back to the front page and started again.  Some excerpts...

"The nearer we get to God, the more easily our spirits are touched by refined and beautiful things....one of the purposes of our earthly probation is to become like them in every conceivable way so that we may be comfortable in the presence of heavenly parentage"

"President David O. McKay was inclined to awaken at 4:00 a.m., skim read up to two books each day, and then commence his labors at 6:00 a.m. He could quote 1,000 poems from memory. We knew that whenever he stood at the pulpit. He referred to the grand masters of literature as the “minor prophets.” He was a living embodiment of the scriptural admonition to “seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom"

 

"Dear daughters of God, you are the crown jewels of all of His creations. There has never been a sunset, symphony, or work of art as lovely as you. May you catch the vision that you are destined to be a refined and regal queen, honored by an uncountable posterity, worlds without end."

"...your Father in Heaven, has sent you away from His presence to have experiences you would not have had in your heavenly home—all in preparation for the conferral of a kingdom. He doesn’t want you to lose your vision. You are children of an exalted being. You are foreordained to preside as kings and queens. You will live in a home and environment of infinite refinement and beauty, as reflected in the language, literature, art, music, and order of heaven."

 You can find this whole talk here. 

Color Personality Test

I just found this personality test based on the colors you select and thought it was fun and fairly accurate - if you are interested, you can take it here.

Result of your test :

Your results present a correlation ratio with our model superior to 96 % .
( In a general way, a result can be taken into account if this ratio is superior to 30 %.)

Your Profile :





You are 46 % extrovert and 54 % introvert.

Independently of any order of importance :

You are intellectual and intelligent, you wonder and you inquire before taking any action.

You are also strong-willed and active, your actions are determined by your own will, by the goals you settled for yourself, and by your need to act and to move forward.

Finally you are creative, you always have new ideas, and your inspiration comes from the inside.

Your understanding of your environment :

Ideas At first, at 34%, you are centered on your thoughts and your actions are determined by your knowledge and your experience.

Facts  Then, at a ratio of 33%, you are focused on the facts and on the reality, and your decisions are determined by your perception of facts.     
                                                              
Feelings  Finally, at 32%, you are attached to moral values and feelings, and you have an emotional relation with the environment.

How you assert yourself :

In your relations with others, your point of view and your decision-making are motivated by your inner conviction at 62%. Dialogue and exchange of views with others are taken into account at 37%.

Also, your actions are determined by your will and your personal goals at a ratio of 57%. In 42% of the cases you take into account your own sensibility and your partner’s.

Finally, your inspiration and your creativity, your artistic or spiritual impulse have an influence of 56%. Also your family and personal ties interfere at 43%.

The qualities that characterize your personality at this time :

Your intellectual performance.

You are intellectual and intelligent, you wonder and you inquire before taking any action and setting your values.

Your energy.

you are strong-willed and active, your actions are determined by your own will, by the goals you settled to yourself, and by your need to act and move ahead.

Your imagination.

you are a creative person, with always new ideas, and you know how to apply them.

Your creativity.

you are creative, you know how to see beauty, you are intuitive and your inspiration comes from the inside.
 
Your insights.

you are thoughtful and deep, you think before getting into action and you know how to communicate your knowledge.

Finally, you are a manager and a structured person, you know how to take into account the needs of each person while leading them to the fixed goals, you are thoughtful and capable of listening to others, you take into account the needs of others before setting up the defined objectives.

Recognition

Sometimes things like this just make my day.


Dear Tasha,

As a senior member of the family that established the Nobel Prizes, I understand the tradition and importance of recognizing excellence. Your name and accomplishments have been brought to my attention by your student Malorie ________. Malorie is a member of The National Society of High School Scholars, an organization I formed in 2002 to extend to the youth of the world my family's legacy of encouraging excellence.

I asked NSHSS members to select one teacher they would like to honor as an Educator of Distinction and thank for being an exceptional role model. Malorie has selected you as a favorite teacher and an educator who works hard to make a difference in the lives of students. I want to thank you for your efforts on behalf of all students and particularly for contributing so much to Malorie's academic success.

Your dedication and your commitment to excellence deserve recognition, and I want you to know that your efforts are appreciated. Please accept a warm thank you from Malorie and my personal congratulations on your success.

Kind regards,

Claes Nobel
Chair, Advisory Board