Do you Doubt?

I was reading the story of Nephi and the Brass Plates today (yup, new years resolution...still going strong) and all the characters except two experience significant doubt - about what they are asked to do, if they really can do it, etc.

Got me thinking. 

How much don't we do because we doubt?  What do we talk ourselves out of, BEFORE WE EVEN TRY, because we question whether we will be able to do it or not?

I kind of went through this a few months ago, before I really decided to jump into the writing thing without abandon.  Why not?   What's the worse that could happen?

So I got thinking about other things that I don't do because I doubt I can in the first place. 

Doubting stops now. 

So, I've reset my goodreads reading goal to read 50 books this year.  I think I can do it, but think about it.  What happens if I don't? I read lots of fun books, write lots of reviews and...?  And if I accomplish it, I prove to myself that I can do it. 

I really want to finish losing the weight I started on a while ago.  So I'm eating healthier - but not extreme.  And if I don't lose that weight, I really could live the rest of my life in the shape I'm in an it would be okay. 

What could you do in your life to get rid of doubt?  What have you always wanted to do but haven't because you talked yourself out of it?

A Better Self

Last year, at this time, I decided I had lost me.  So I really put some thought into what I could do to find me again.

In case you are wondering, or if you have lost yourself in all your other roles, let me tell you something.  More than a few tears were shed trying to find myself again.  It required an honest look into reality, a realization of all the things that I easily dismissed, and it was outrageously a little scary, putting myself out there like that, even if it was only to myself.

But the other end is fun and exciting and full of tremendous possibilities beyond what I had ever dreamed. 

Last year's resolutions for me were summed up in one word - LOVE.

I told myself I was going to do what I loved.  I was going to remember what I had loved before and do that again.  I was going to make the most of the time I had with those I loved.  And I was going to figure out how to love myself.

Best. Resolution. Ever.

So now what?  I was thinking about that when I found this quote by Neil Gaiman and decided it was my new motto for 2012.

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

I hope this happens for you too.

What are your plans to make next year better than last?

A Day in My Life

I'm not sure if this is going to help anyone, but I have had people ask me how I do what I do.  You will see a few patterns and I'll throw out a few hints if I can.  Maybe something that works for me will work for you, and maybe you will have suggestion on how to make things better.

Tasha's Typical Day

4:30 am - alarm goes off - hit snooze

4:40 am - alarm goes off - hit snooze but actually try waking up this time

4:50 am - alarm goes off - get up, dressed (workout clothes always set out the night before), contacts in, brush teeth, out the door

5:10 am - Arrive at Gold's Gym (MWF treadmill + weights; T/Th spinning)

6:10 am - arrive home, check facebook, news sites, the days weather - time to cool down

6:20 am - shower (which includes drinking 44 oz of water while in the shower - great way to hydrate for the day and tell my body I'm really not kidding - it's go time), get ready for day, curlers in girl's hair if they want, switch earrings at least twice

7:20 am - head to work.  Diet Coke.

8:00 am - prep.  Love my first period prep.  Grade, plan, blog hop a little, make copies, etc.

9:15 am - Either Creative Writing or Honors English. 

10:50 am - LUNCH + Diet Coke

11:40 - classes start again.  Both of my afternoons are Junior English classes.  I have to say I really enjoy teaching these kids.  We give each other crap, I push them, they really start to make progress.

2:40 - school is out.  I usually hang around until about 3:10 or so, putting in attendance, bouncin ideas for lessons or prom off other teachers, etc. depending on the day, except on Wednesdays when dance and soccer practice start at 3:00.  Then I almost beat the kids out of there.

Somewhere between here and dinner there is usually another Diet Coke break, and 1-2 times a week, I utilize my super power of being the queen of powernaps and crash on the couch for 10-15 minutes before the kids get home.

Afternoons are full the following.
Mondays - I teach four piano students - 3:45-5:45
Tuesdays - Will scouts, Ellie violin lessons
Wednesday - Ellie school choir, Will soccer practice, Catie regular and company dance practice, Ellie Suzuki group lessons, every other week Ellie activity days
Thursday - Will Soccer
Friday - free

Dinner is usually at 6-6:30 pm.  On Mondays, it has to be something that was once frozen, easy to throw together, etc.  We have been playing kids take turns picking and that works well.  If Enoch is home in time for prep, he's pretty good about jumping in and helping.  He loads the dishwasher the next morning and starts it - the kids unload every morning.

7:00 pm - kids homework, showers, practicing, etc.

8:00 pm - prayers, kids reading, me on my laptop writing, only to be interrupted by prayer time.  This is a daily event on my google calendar.  Yes, I scheduled in me time.  The only way this changes is if I got this writing time in before now. 

9:30 pm - tipping point - like I'm tipping over.  Enoch and I may read, watch TV,  something not requiring brain power.

10-10:30 pm - Goodnight world. 

Enoch will occasionally throw in a load of laundry during the week, but for the most part, laundry is done on the weekends.  

Happier

Have you ever just been happy?  Maybe still tired, worn down, but happy? 

I have felt this way for a month. 

Yep, 31 full days. 

I have been watching all the leaves fall from trees and it just makes me feel like little blessings blowing all around me. 

Why, you ask? 

Because I'm pursuing my passions. 

I'm doing NaNoWriMo again, and I'm happy to report that as of this very second, I have more than 12% done.  I have a storyline that I love, that is deep enough to really take me places and with characters who are revealing a depth I didn't think they could have.

I've really found a fun network of people who are chasing the same dream, have the same crazy, eccentric thoughts that I do and are a little tired but excited. 

My writer's group has been instrumental in helping me develop this story in ways I never thought it could go.

My kids are finding their place - realizing likes, dislikes, what makes them happy and Enoch still has work.  Maybe too much. 

I have had many times of extreme frustration, wondering when I was going to find Tasha again.  And, in the last month, I've really found her, and I have to say, she's lots of fun to have around. 

This may be confusing, but I think many will agree to knowing what it feels like to be mom, wife, church worker, employee, laundry/cleaning/food expert.  And I know I still have to be all those things, but now I can be me too.


I made room in my life to let me be me and I plan on keeping me around for a long time. 

Being pushed back to me

During the first four years of my teaching career, I went through this strange experience.  I felt incredible satisfaction as a teacher, really felt like I got to the point where I was honed in on my kids, their passions, my ability to support them in those and feel like my marriage was the best it's ever been. 

Yet, I was lost.  Unsatisfied.  Depressed.

Yes, part of it was my physical appearance, and there are still those pesky last ten pounds I would LIKE to lose, but if they are here to stay, I'm not dissatisfied. 

Outside of a few online exceptions and work colleagues, I really didn't have friends.  Part of it was my absolute and complete lack of desire at belonging to a Bunco group - so not what I wanted. 

I took on an attitude, especially during completing my Master's, that was "I am woman, watch me conquer the whole freakin' world."  My music reflected this, my mindset reflected this.  And I think to have the success I did, this was necessary.

But each of these caused me to become lost, feel incredibly lonely and completely forget who Tasha was.

Then I started writing again.  And I got invited to be part of a writing group. 

And one night, a particularly low night, my husband with his very blunt manner but with very good intent, told me if I didn't like my life, I could either keep crying about it or figure out something to do to change it. 

In the last two weeks, I have been to a writing conference at UVU, attended a particularly productive writer's group and spent eight hours yesterday with Mette Ivie Harrison and several Southern Utah writers, receiving good critiques but some pretty decent praise. 

Enoch has been nothing but supportive.  For me to travel north last week, he had to cover some things with the kids and take a short day of work.  He puts the kids to bed when I go to my writer's group.  He is affectionate when I'm leaving, excited to hear about things when I return. 

I feel a great deal of satisfaction with my life, and a huge part of that is because of him. 

Yup, I'm pretty lucky.

The Order of Dreams

I have many dreams.  While this statement could be true about the visions my sub-conscious creates during those blessed times of R.E.M., what I'm really talking about is life dreams aka goals, aspirations, what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up kind of dreams. 

I really want to do a triathlon. 

I really want to learn how to play Gershwin's Concerto in F, Shostakovich's 2nd piano concerto and Rhapsody in Blue. 

I want to finish traveling to all 50 states.

I want to see England - all of it.

Here's the thing I realized though.  I'm 33 years old.  Some of these dreams are going to have to go on a list of prioritization. 

Do I WANT to do this?  No.  I really would like to think that I could just chase after all my dreams all at once. 

But I get to have some dreams now.  I get to live out my dream of being a mom.  I get to have my dream continue of a great marriage.  I get to interact with really awesome teenagers on a daily basis, prepping them for college and life.  And I get to chase my dream of "becoming a writer." 

The writing one has moved way up the list, in part because I have joined a writer's group that meets every other week and I have the external motivation to write.  Lots.  Every day.

However, I had the realization last week that chasing this dream meant giving up another, at least for now.  The triathlon had to be moved.  Training for it and trying to write just didn't work.  I was too tired from the heightened workouts in the morning to be able to write at night.  And it was truly making me sad. 

I'm working on my physical fitness in other ways, trying for an overall improvement.  I've taken to riding my bike more to get places when it's just me, in part for the fitness aspect and in part because the economy/gas prices/I just can't make enough money issue. 

So how to order dreams?  For me, I had to go with which ones were pulling at my heart strings the most - which ones were causing me sadness for not chasing - which ones I just knew I needed to work on now. 

Will I get to all the other ones?  I don't know.  But I'm loving the chase right now. 

What?!? A new post?!?

I have completely dropped the ball with this blog.  I remember that I have one, but it just hasn't worked it's way to the top of the priority list for a while. 

Summer was crazy and fast.  I was in charge of girl's camp and hand sewed 23 owls for the girls there, along with all the thoughts, food planning and prep, etc.  Someone once asked me if prom or girl's camp was easier.  I think girl's camp could be, but for me it wasn't.  I had leaders who wanted to be the girls again, sneaking out at 2 or 3 in the morning to scare the girls, etc.  However, I heard from many of the girls that it was their favorite girl's camp ever (even from the Laurels who knew better...) so I consider it a success and worth it.

I started the summer really hitting the workouts well.  I hit a PR in the Summer Games 5k and was feeling amazing and then really did a number on my ankle playing volleyball (AGAIN!!!)  and was back to square one, again.  I'm tentatively planning on participating in this triathlon because I have always wanted to do one and I think I could do this one.  I don't have to register until the week before though, so I'm not completely committed.  But with this in mind I'm really paying attention to my nutrition again, pushing my workouts HARD (just ask my legs today) and making getting up at 5 am completely worth it.  I don't just want to maintain, I want to improve.

I'm also chasing my other passion with determination - writing.  Since moving, I have found a few ladies who are also chasing this dream.  We have a writer's group every other week, pushing, questioning, complimenting and improving our writing.  I'm going to attend two different writer's conferences in the next few months, taking advantage of the chance to hear from professionals, push to get to my goal of publication and quit pushing this back with a someday attitude.  Sure, I'm only 33 and have a lot of life left, but these are goals that I have had that I have let be taken over by other things (pinterest, facebook, tv shows) - things that aren't worthwhile. 

I'm going to try to keep track of what's going on here, but if I have 30 minutes left at the end of the day before I collapse from exhaustion, it's got to go to the book.  Don't worry, you avid readers.  I will be asking for some favors in reading it when I get it to a point where you aren't going to be annoyed at the plot gaps, incomplete characters or things that just don't make sense.  And if you really don't want to read it, also don't worry.  I'm not going to ask anyone who isn't completely gung ho - you all have busy lives as well :) 

Summer To Do List - Summer Games

Anyone who has lived in Cedar anytime during the last 20+ years knows about the Utah Summer Games.  Sure, there are people elsewhere who do to, but it is an integral part of summer in Cedar.  It's a statewide  "Olympics" of sort, with competitors ranging from 5-95+. 

I first started participating in the Summer Games in middle school as a swimmer.  I have vivid memories of freezing outside after swimming my race because the wind inevitably was blowing and the pool water was cold and so I shivered.  I did an okay job, winning a few medals in some races.  I also participated in high school, playing basketball and volleyball.  My first basketball game I played in the Summer Games was with a silicone cast on my hand because I broke it about 10 days before on an inbound play.

The point of all this?  Well, remember the last post - the one with all the food?  Consider that and the fact that I have really been working at getting in shape this year and I had a realization.  For me to make and eat what I want, I have to workout REALLY hard.  And the greatest exercise to lose weight has to be high impact. 

 (Funny thing - this picture came from a website also called Random Thoughts - hilarious huh!)

So this year, I'm playing volleyball in the Summer Games again (I did last  year) and running a 5k.  I ran one on Labor Day of last year, but then embarked on double foot surgeries and had to rebuild.  I'm super excited for volleyball, but training with focus on the 5k - I really want to break 30 minutes.

Some people who ran cross country in high school may look at 30 minutes in astonishment because they were at least five minutes faster, but the one I ran in September I was at about 33 minutes and 20 pounds heavier. 

This is a struggle for me - I probably could have been a runner but never really enjoyed it.  But I think I'm catching the bug enough that in the back of my mind I'm considering a 1/2 marathon, at night, down the Las Vegas strip in December.

Obviously I need to get a few 5ks and a 10k or two under my belt, but I think there is a chance. 

What are you doing now that is hard for you? 

Am I Mr. Holland?

I have had scenes from Mr. Holland's Opus running through my head for weeks now.  I haven't seen that movie for years and yet there it's been.  I couldn't figure it out at first, but then it hit me.  Mr. Holland had the dream of becoming a composer that got lost in the daily life.  Sure, he ends up with insurmountable personal fulfillment and still gets to put his music writing talents to use because of his career choice, and throughout the movie, we get to see the evolution of his passion.  He even has the culminating great moment when the work that has been ruminating around for several years is prepared and ready for his to conduct.

I long for that.

I have had an incredibly nagging feeling for for weeks - okay, MONTHS - that I need to write.  Not just a blog or facebook update, but really write.  NOW.  However, the daily duties combined with my more recent March Madness*, has worn me out, worn me down and I am left with a deep desire that isn't as deep as my fatigue. 

I have this fear.  I fear I will wake up in 20 years with memories of students and laughs and light bulb moments but will have the feeling of the man who buried his talent and has only that left.  I've done pretty good so far this year with prioritizing myself better, but the nagging feeling is still here and it is almost making me nauseous. 

I fear the look in God's eyes when He asks why i didn't do more with what He gave me. 

I fear that knowledge of what I could have been, who I could have influenced, but let myself become too busy.  Sure there is a time for everything, but I sometimes wonder if we say that because acknowledging that the time could be now is just too damn scary.

Or overwhelming.

Or doesn't go with "the plan."

All I know is I MUST figure something out.

I am sick of feeling sick.

*Updates on birthdays, prom, science fair projects and upcoming baptism are on their way...

It's all about the Greeks

Sure, you know that I have a love for all thing Greek - especially when it comes to mythology.  But as I have been making life changes and working out ways to make the food I eat become something I can stand to eat and avoid the Michelin man silhouette, I have become an addicted label reader.  We will hit that more later, but for now, you may be aware of the fact that the new thing in the "healthy food market" is Greek yogurt.  So, I thought I'd share some personal experience with this product that has quickly become my must eat every day.

Why Greek?  Well, the process that is used to make it  basically keeps it in a state that is actually quite good for you.  It maintains LOTS of protein - good to avoid hunger, especially when first cutting calories - and just good for your body. It also has very little fat, another bonus.  But, because it has become so popular, there are MANY Greek yogurt options.  Note, not all Greek yogurts are created equal.

Here's my suggestion.  If you haven't ever had Greek yogurt, I will warn you that it is almost a tart/sour flavor, and if you are used to the dessert yogurts from Yoplait, your palate will wonder what you have done to it.  So start with Yoplait Greek yogurt.    It has several of the benefits of Greek yogurt, but like their other yogurts, they add quite a bit of sugar to enhance the flavor.  However, if you are adjusting your palate, this is a good place to start.  You will notice that it tastes different than the regular Yoplait yogurt, but it is still quite good. I would start with the fruit flavors, transition to honey, and the move to the plain when you have developed a taste for it. The same idea can be incorporated with the Dannon brand Greek yogurts. 

There is also a brand that Lin's (Associate Foods)  carries called Greek Gods Greek Yogurt that is very good.  And if that is as far as you go, you will notice that the transition to these yogurts leaves you satisfied longer and that eventually you like them better than the regular.

Remember the part when I said I read labels?  Yes, I started reading the labels of Greek yogurts and noticed that many still have LOTS of sugar in them. Sure there is lots of protein - 10+grams possible per serving, but in many of these the sugar in a serving is double the protein.  That may not impact some people, but I have very bad reaction to lots of sugar when not accompanied by significant protein - shaking, headaches, dizziness, little invisible worms in my eyesight ( if you have experienced this, you know what I'm talking about).  So my new quest  is to find Greek yogurts that have more protein than sugar.  Here are my two favorite.

 

 

Sometimes I'll get them with fruit in the bottom, but I prefer to add my own fresh blueberries or cut up strawberries.  The nice thing about these is they are about 100 calories - I usually have this little treat at about 9:00 in the morning, as I eat breakfast at 6-6:30, post workout, and I need something to keep the body working without many calories or sugar.  I LOVE this now.  These are both available at my Walmart, but I know not all Walmarts are created equal.  

 

If you are still hesitant to try this, work Greek yogurt into your favorite recipes in place of sour cream, but I promise that once you start down this track, you will really love this treat and not hate the nutritional impact it has on your system when the container is empty.   Give it a try and let me know what you think :)

Trying to Improve a Lousy Day

You know those people who get up in church and say that they gave the talk that was really for them, but you get to listen? 

Yup - this is one of those times. 

In an effort to pretend myself out of a .... mood, I found this article.  It's from a GREAT blog about happiness in life and all that, but I wanted to share it here.  For me.  Maybe for you too.

We've all had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. A bad work evaluation, a disappointing grade, a potential crush who turns out to be interested in someone else, a fight with your mother, a worrisome report from a doctor, a broken resolution…lousy days take many forms.

Here are some strategies I use for coping with a lousy day:

1. Resist the urge to “treat” yourself. Often, the things we choose as “treats” aren’t good for us. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the lousiness of the day. So when you find yourself thinking, “I’ll feel better after I have a few beers…a pint of ice cream…a cigarette…a new pair of jeans,” ask yourself – will it REALLY make you feel better? It might make you feel worse.

2. Do something nice for someone else. “Do good, feel good” – this really works. Be selfless, if only for selfish reasons. A friend going through a horrible period told me that she was practically addicted to doing good deeds; that was the only thing that made her feel better.

3. Distract yourself. When my older daughter was born, she had to be in Neonatal Intensive Care for a week. I spent every hour at the hospital, until my husband dragged me away to go to an afternoon movie. I didn’t want to go, but afterward, I realized that I was much better able to cope with the situation after having had a bit of relief. Watching a funny movie or TV show is a great way to take a break, or I often re-read beloved classics of children's literature.

4. Seek inner peace through outer order. Soothe yourself by tackling a messy closet, an untidy desk, or crowded countertops. The sense of tangible progress, control, and orderliness can be a comfort. This always works for me – and fortunately, my family is messy enough that I always have plenty of therapeutic clutter at hand.

5. Tell yourself, “Well, at least I…” Get some things accomplished. Yes, you had a horrible day, but at least you went to the gym, or played with your kids, or walked the dog, or read your children a story, or recycled.

6. Exercise is an extremely effective mood booster – but be careful of exercise that allows you to ruminate. For example, if I go for a walk when I’m upset about something, I often end up feeling worse, because the walk provides me with uninterrupted time in which to dwell obsessively on my troubles.

7. Stay in contact. When you’re having a lousy day, it’s tempting to retreat into isolation. Studies show, though, that contact with other people boosts mood. So try to see or talk to people, especially people you’re close to.

8. It’s a cliché, but things really will look brighter in the morning. Go to bed early and start the next day anew. Also, sleep deprivation puts a drag on mood in the best of circumstances, so a little extra sleep will do you good.

9. Remind yourself of your other identities. If you feel like a loser at work, send out a blast email to engage with college friends. If you think members of the PTA are mad at you, don’t miss the spinning class where everyone knows and likes you.

10. Keep perspective. Ask yourself: “Will this matter in a month? In a year?” I recently came across a note I’d written to myself years ago, that said “TAXES!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I dimly remember the panic I felt about dealing with taxes that year; but it’s all lost and forgotten now.

11. Write it down. When something horrible is consuming my mind, I find that if I write up a paragraph or two about the situation, I get immense relief.

12. Be grateful. Remind yourself that a lousy day isn’t a catastrophic day. Be grateful that you’re still on the “lousy” spectrum. Probably, things could be worse.

13. Use the emergency mood tool-kit. For an emergency happiness intervention, try these tips for getting a boost in the next HOUR.

The Process

This time last year, I weighed 200 pounds.

That is a little shocking to see, especially because some of the female contestants who are on the Biggest Loser just 20 pounds heavier.  While I'm aware that I never looked like they do when they start the show - being about six feet tall does have it's perks, but there is something demoralizing about stepping on the scale and knowing I wasn't in the ones anymore.  Incredibly demoralizing.  I had flashbacks to high school, the nit-picky self-degradation of my body.  Add to that the fact that Enoch is not only shorter than me, but also has a waist size that I haven't seen since I stopped growing, and I just didn't have much to be happy about.  I finally realized how much this was impacting me when I looked through my clothes closet and found that a majority of my clothing was brown, grey or black.  It was a perfect reflection of my outlook.  When it came to my appearance, my body, my health, I was depressed.

My problem was I had so many plates spinning on high unstable sticks that I knew adding one more would make all the rest come crashing down.  Something had to give and it was my workouts, my time and effort to eat well, my commitment to take care of me.

Last spring I had an incident (no more description...) that dropped me to my lowest low in terms of my self-esteem.  I was crushed.  I cried so hard I couldn't stand up.  It took weeks to even begin to think about myself as I had in the past, but coming out of that depression, I realized that it was the perfect time to address the issue I had kept dismissing. 

I found a website that was compatible to my preferences and very user friendly and I started documenting EVERYTHING I ate.  There was a lot of crap.  I was grabbing what was quick, what was easy, and the calories indicated that.  I saw what I was supposed to eat to get down to where I wanted and was convinced that I wouldn't ever get there without being the most irritable person on the planet because I was hungry.  But then I found out about Bountiful Baskets. And I started changing the way I thought about food.  I found that when I was completely focused on using EVERYTHING in that basket first, I was eating very natural foods, lots of fruits and veggies, and the weight started coming off. 

Then I got invited to play volleyball with some friends, which was a delight, and more weight started coming off.  And I committed myself to my health, focused on being happy FOR ME, setting aside some time for me and working on my overall well-being.  Then I did what I thought I never would and picked up running, with some motivation from here.  I've also tried to use my bike instead of my car whenever possible - including hooking up the bike trailer we have from when the kids were little to pick up my Bountiful Basket.

Thus far, I have lost 22 pounds.  In three more pounds, I will weigh what I did when I graduated high school.  Then I have 15 more to go to weigh what I did when I got married.  Yea, I did the freshman 15 in reverse.

Remember the title of this post?  This is a process.  Just yesterday I lost focus of things and spent some time feeling like all I do is work and never take time for me.  So I went on a walk.  Quickly.  For some reason an increased heart-rate seems to help put things back in perspective for me. 

I have been rehabbing some injuries, so I'm not running faster and some days am even slower than I was two or three days before.  But I no longer downward spiral when I see a picture of myself.  And my complication lately is that I don't have much to wear to work because none of it fits me anymore - the good way. 

This hasn't been a fast process - there have been weeks of plateaus when I wanted to cry over how hard I'd worked, how good I'd been and how the number didn't move - or even worse, went the wrong way. (now should also be the time when I let you know that I don't have a scale at my house - my OCD over weight would drive me insane if I did - I check my weight weekly at one of my parent's/in-law's houses).  This has been a life change, one that I'm really enjoying.  Granted, to some people, the idea of entering all their food everyday seems like quite a burden.  But for me it has been liberating. 

I'm remembering how to be happy with me. 

A Heavenly Home in the making...

Several weeks ago, when I was getting ready to do my visiting teaching, I read the message and it just didn't seem to resonate with me as the exact direction I needed to take with the sisters I was visiting.  I did some research, explored some of my favorite minds, and stumbled on a speech that, when reading, I had the overwhelming impression that it was a talk that would perfectly fit with my sisters.

But more importantly, it really stuck with me.  I read it through and went immediately back to the front page and started again.  Some excerpts...

"The nearer we get to God, the more easily our spirits are touched by refined and beautiful things....one of the purposes of our earthly probation is to become like them in every conceivable way so that we may be comfortable in the presence of heavenly parentage"

"President David O. McKay was inclined to awaken at 4:00 a.m., skim read up to two books each day, and then commence his labors at 6:00 a.m. He could quote 1,000 poems from memory. We knew that whenever he stood at the pulpit. He referred to the grand masters of literature as the “minor prophets.” He was a living embodiment of the scriptural admonition to “seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom"

 

"Dear daughters of God, you are the crown jewels of all of His creations. There has never been a sunset, symphony, or work of art as lovely as you. May you catch the vision that you are destined to be a refined and regal queen, honored by an uncountable posterity, worlds without end."

"...your Father in Heaven, has sent you away from His presence to have experiences you would not have had in your heavenly home—all in preparation for the conferral of a kingdom. He doesn’t want you to lose your vision. You are children of an exalted being. You are foreordained to preside as kings and queens. You will live in a home and environment of infinite refinement and beauty, as reflected in the language, literature, art, music, and order of heaven."

 You can find this whole talk here. 

I don't want to SEE the Wizard - I want to BE the Wizard

Sometimes, in my life, I feel like one of the characters in the Wizard of Oz.  No, not the munchkins - I was taller than them by the time I saw the movie.  In elementary.

One of the things that I have always found interesting about those characters is they are parts of a whole.  Obviously their inabilities are exaggerated to make them endearing characters, but they seem to just be one thing.  I mean no one ever compliments the lion for his ability to be empathetic for a friend, or the tinman's bravery and willingness to start chopping at people who threaten his friends or the scarecrow's ability to lighten the situation with his humorous antics.  But they are all off to see the wizard with the desire to have ONE thing.  Not to be complete or whole, but because they are longing for one thing.

Sometimes, I feel like those characters.  I feel like I go through phases where I'm trying to be awesome at one thing, and then a few weeks later another and so on.  And sometimes I even feel a little crabby like the witch. So what did the wizard have that I want?

Proper perspective and sheer determination.  

So, some life-balancing goals.  

Some of you may have noticed that I put a pounds lost button on my blog.  I have lost that just by changing my diet with MyFitnessPal, but I really have 15 to go before I would be okay with my weight and some serious toning and muscle building to even really be happy after that.  I found a program called Couch to 5k (c25k) that I'm embarking on and biking on my crappy decade old mtn bike on non-running days.  But more than that, my commitment to be fit has me trying to find reasons to ride my bike more often and to more places. And this journey so far as me wanting to buy clothes that aren't primarily black anymore, being happy about the person I see in the mirror each day and beating myself up less.  All good things, right?

Obviously during the summer, I have more time (and desire...and eye power...and alertness) to read lots, but then often, during the school year, I will let that slump off a bit.  I require my Honors English kids to read 70 pages a week.  That's ten a night - surely I can fit that in.

I set time aside in my daily schedule to write and have three different ideas I'm toying around with right now, so the writer's block will not work here. And I can really find 15 minutes.  I'm trying to write 500 words a day but making sure I get the 15 minutes for now.

Because of Bountiful Baskets, we have been having fun eating at home more, but then this last week, that crapped out big time.  The kids like helping me, seeing and trying the food we get is like a weekly Christmas and when Charlotte posts yummy recipes like this, I really have no excuse, right?

I decided that it was pointless to just make goals on December 31 and then check a year later to see what happened.  The beginning of the school year seems like a good time to see what I can do to get all five elements of my life - physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and financial - more balanced.

I'm off to become the Wizard...kindof.

WFMAD

Laurie Halse Anderson is one of the most inspiring people to me.  She balances a decent amount of acreage, raises chickens, plants beautiful gardens and writes compelling books.  This year, like every August for the past two years, she is doing a program of Write Fifteen Minutes A Day.  The last two years, I declined participation, convinced I was too busy or didn't really have something to write.

That has changed this year.

My master's is done, my classroom is trashed (CHS remodel/renovation project) and I'm busy, but I've recently made a commitment to keep my sanity, which means doing things I like for me. 

Will I ever have people clamoring for my work like Ally?  

Who knows.  

Will I ever write as fast as Stephenie? 

Probably not. 

Will I ever have a writing cottage like Laurie?

Um...no. 

But I get a kick out of writing, creating characters and seeing what happens to them.

So, for the month of August I will write fifteen minutes a day.  I didn't know about it on Sunday, but I put it off yesterday and didn't get it done before I went to bed.  I was woken up three separate times by characters I've been thinking about but haven't written yet. I won't procrastinate anymore.  And I've had a few new ideas that I'm excited about.  I figure it will be good to develop the habit and gear me up for a successful year with NaNoWriMo. 

Since I know not everyone want to write, I am highly recommending you do something this month, for 15 minutes every single day, that makes you happy, may lead to some personal development and find some way for it to happen without any distractions (a girl can dream, right?)  Get husbands on board - I think most would be willing to pitch in for 15 minutes to have a happier wife. 

I would love to know what you decide...

To Save My Sanity

I like to consider myself a patient person.  Afterall, I teach teenagers for a living.  I have three kids.  I have been married for almost eleven years.  I'm the oldest of five children.  I'm the primary second counselor.  I taught piano (and may start again) for eleven years before I got my teaching job.


All of these areas require patience and while it may be accompanied by frustration, I still can usually work through it.


However, there are few things that can drive me absolutely crazy faster than when I ask my kids to do something and they say okay. Then, fifteen minutes later when I go to check on progress, they are rockin' out to their tunes, but the beds aren't made, clothes aren't put away, brushes aren't in drawers, water hasn't even been turned on to clean the bathroom, five pairs of  underwear are on the floor, they are buried under the blankets that are supposed to be on their beds...well, you get the idea.  And then...

I turn into a yeller. 

I don't like being a yeller.  And then when I go back five minutes later and see the same scene depicted above, I just lose my mind and contemplate if it would be easier for me to run away or get rid of my kids.  

I know - bad mom.  

So, because I'm tired of being a bad mom, for the last week I have been researching homeschooling families.  Especially LARGE homeschooling families.  Seven to eight kids minimum.

Did I lose you?

See, the way I figure is that homeschooling families and both parent working families have lots in common.  There are things that are trying to be accomplished that seem impossible.  Homeschooling families are teaching their children, all of different ages and abilities, running a home, often have a dad working at home or on a farm, and managing all of it with grace and calmness most of the time.  

That's my goal.  

So, with that in mind, I've taken the ideas from Managers of their Homes (MOTH) as shared here and Managers of their Chores.

Here's how it should work.  

Everyone has a daily schedule.  Please note this is VERY flexible because we will have games and things that will require things to be adjustable, but I like the idea that there is a basic idea.  You can see the schedule here.  Obviously this is for during the school year but if it proves successful, I will modify it for next summer.


Each morning the kids have chores that need to be accomplished PRIOR to 8:00 am.  These are things like get dressed, make bed, brush teeth, comb hair and then each child has a part of the dishwasher to unload, Will feeds the pets, Ellie cleans off the counter in the bathroom and Catie cleans up the bathroom floor.  Then the evening chores they have are things like homework, piano/violin, get backpack ready for next day, daily assignment, dinner assignment, bedtime routine.  I asked the kids if they would rather have an area they are in charge of once a week or once a day and they wanted to do daily. 


So how will all this minimized the mom yelling syndrome?  Enter Daddy Dollars to create a system that the kids are excited about and should required NO yelling from me.

The kids can earn three of these IF they have their morning chores done by 8:00 am and they can earn another five if they have their evening chores done by 8:00 pm.  If they don't, they don't get part later.  It is all or nothing.  Then, when they want to go bowling, or get a snowcone, or whatever, they can redeem these for that award. If they don't have enough for whatever someone else gets to do, guess what.  Life is tough.  I like this because then there isn't money going back and forth and it is recyclable :)


I'm not quite done with everything for this to launch yet - hoping to have it completed today.  I'm buying each child a clipboard that matches their art stations and will tape a small money sized manila envelope and their morning and evening responsibilities to the board.  Then it is all in one place.  There will also be a Mom/Dad clipboard with a master list of who has what responsibilities and the Dad Dollars. 


I think it's going to work.  I'm really hoping it's going to work.  Because I can't keep doing everything for everyone.  I turn into the meanest mom on the planet, which is frustrating and exhausting and full of all kinds of self inflicted guilt trips. 


I'll keep you posted.

Autodidactic: Self-Taught

I came across this book because Jim Parkinson came to our school last year to talk about and make students aware of the death march of the Bataan soldiers during WWII and sparked the interest of myself and another English teacher concerning getting our whole school on board with this book. Parkinson is a delightful man who may actually drink more Diet Coke than I do (I know - shocking), was one of the prosecuting attorneys in a multi-million dollar tobacco settlement, is an avid golfer who plays with TaylorMade clubs (if you are a golfer, you know why the brand is important) and he writes very well.

This short book is about how people in general can improve their lives through turning themselves into an autodidactic - someone who is self taught. He explains that he coasted through high school and did what needed to be done in order to have success, but didn't really care. It was his immersion in a foreign country and the necessity to learn to communicate that changed his perspective on learning, and he decided that if he wanted to have success in life, he needed to ensure he had success in life.

Parkinson describes how he became an avid reader, struggled through the writing process to learn how to write well, and dedicated his life to being smarter every single day. This really is a book that everyone needs to read, and at $5.00 a book, it's very reasonable. It has rekindled in me a desire to be better read, improve my writing and expand my vocabulary. I am recommitted to my own intelligence after reading this book.

As a side note, our principal graciously agreed to purchase one of these books for every single CHS student next year, and we are launching the literacy program with Mr. Parkinson teaching for two solid days, as well as writing lesson plans to continue his ideas through the next few weeks. I'll keep you posted on how that goes :)

My Role as a Woman

WARNING: LONG POST

Don't you love the economy? Because I do. It is a wonderful, fantastic thing that is going exactly as I wanted, and I'm so overjoyed by this experience that I'm blogging about it.

Hello. My name is Tasha. I'm overly sarcastic.

I have been having some interesting discussions lately about the role of women, how it's changing. I've even heard that it is the thing that Sandra Bullock was talking about three years ago when she started the adoption process on her new son. As much as I like her, that's not what this blog is about.

A week ago, I had the opportunity to attend a regional LDS relief society meeting with Sheri Dew as a guest speaker. If I were going to pick two women who I would consistently jump at the chance to listen to, she would be one and Mary Ellen Edmunds the other. They are women who didn't necessarily have life go the way they planned or how they were told it should. I get that. I completely relate.

Let me explain. When I was growing up, I thought mom's went to school to be smart enough to have something to fall back on if their husbands died and to be smart enough to help their kids do their homework. A GOOD wife is content to stay home with the children, may run a small business on the side to have some extra money and is so happy to be mom.

I have known since I lived in a little apartment in Orem, UT with a working husband and staying completely at home for the first time in my marriage with a baby that the role of a full time stay at home mom was not for me. I almost lost my mind several times. I'm not one who cries very much, but I was all the time. I was not at all a joy to live with and felt like I was the biggest jerk in the world that every moment with my newborn son was not fulfilling for me.

I know many AMAZING women who have complete joy in staying with their children, they feel such satisfaction in experiencing their everyday looks, discoveries, etc. I ADORE my children, am thrilled when they want to come snuggle with me, love that my girls love to do my hair, want to bake, that they want to collect everything and think they are about a cute as anyone when they are in their little costumes or uniforms performing.

But when I was doing just this, I was depressed. I felt picked on, neglected, ignored and unnecessary for anything but cooking and cleaning. I know that most women go through these periods, but I couldn't get out of it.

So now I work. I LOVE what I do for work - I really do. But with the economy, what started as a way to jointly create income and shifted to me carrying a decent amount of the burden. I'm so incredibly GRATEFUL that I have this job - I honestly don't know where we would be without it. But that at times is a burden I didn't think I'd feel. It has made me appreciate the stress that husbands often have of carrying the burden of money and still being a fully invested parent.

Back to Sheri Dew - she spoke of the importance of magnifying our role - whatever that may be. Mothers are absolutely the foundation of society and the presence of one who cares about her kids absolutely has an impact on that child. Trust me, I work with teens from all different aspects and I can always tell who has a mom that cares.

It is a difficult thing to explain to "traditionalists" that I'm carrying so much of the financial part of the relationship right now, that Enoch is a tremendous help around home, and while it hasn't shifted completely, there is somewhat of a role reversal going on right now. And, being prone to self- inflicted guilt trips, I sometimes feel like maybe I'm not the mom that everyone else is, that I'm neglecting my kids if I'm not in 100% attendance at every event of every child and volunteering in the classroom every week.

I'm learning to cut myself some slack. I don't get after Enoch if he misses part or all of a game because he's working. The kids don't come in with sad puppy eyes if he isn't at the whole thing. No one goes to bed feeling neglected if the dishes aren't washed that night, or there's still some laundry not folded and in the living room.

I'm a damn good mom. My kids all do a decent job in their games, are at or above level in school, learning how to play the piano, and know how to clean their rooms, even if they don't all the time, and know how to behave in all kinds of social situations. It's okay for me to be sane, working, providing - I can do that and still be a loving mom. My role right now isn't traditional - I don't know that it ever was intended to be. But at this point in my life - I feel satisfied, full of joy and incredibly blessed.

I feel a manifestation that the Lord is pleased with what I'm doing right now. He told me that I would have the opportunity to teach many students, both those who are of the faith and those who aren't, and that I would have a powerful impact on them, that they would remember me as one who cared about them. My ultimate goal is to have my children always know they are the tops, they are my favorite, they are my loves, life and priorities. I'm thrilled that I have a husband who is okay with that, who doesn't mind picking up the slack that may be left behind because of that (usually the dishes) and that I have a Heavenly Father who knew me well enough to let me be born at a time when I could do this and be a mom.

I am truly blessed.

Celebrating and Refocusing

I'm not sure this is new news at this point as Enoch texted everyone in his phone and I posted it on Facebook, but I successfully defended my Master's thesis and will be graduating a week from tomorrow. I've had so many people ask me if I'm thrilled and on a high.

The answer?

No.

I'm tired, exhausted, lacking motivation and wanting to have a lazy day. I think I'll probably hit that high next week during the celebrations, etc. but I'm really just worn out for now. Super glad to be done and moving on to other things, don't get me wrong. But I've been pushing pretty hard for the last year and a half and I think it finally caught up with me :)

With that being done, I'm hoping that now this can turn back into a blog about something besides books. I still plan on reading and posting all my reviews, and summer's coming up so it will probably pick up the pace a bit. But I really, really want to bake.

I'm planning on making these VERY soon, want to make some scrabble cookies like these but maybe not quite on the scale that she did. I am Baker has the best recipe and tutorials for making amazing looking cookies that I just have to try out.

My girls REALLY want to do more baking as well, and in my dream land, I would buy some of these

but maybe I'll just visit my neighbor's fabric shop and break out my sewing machine and make some myself.

In other words, I'm getting domestic about my life and am super excited :)

Take Two Chocolates and Call Me in the Morning

I bought this book when I went to Time Out for Women after I heard Emily Watts speak. She was hilarious and down to earth - reminded me a bit of Mary Ellen Edmunds, and I wanted something fun to read. Obviously, it's taken me a while to get to this one, but I found it was just the book I needed at the time.

Emily is a working mom, but that doesn't mean the book will have no application for the stay at home moms. If we are being honest, both are kindof both anyway. She talks about ways to manage a crazy busy life, how to balance what mom wants and what kids need. I loved her stories, laughed out loud on more than one occasion. Her life lessons were perfect. I also loved how she has had body image issues that she has battled her whole life. There are very, VERY few people I know who look in the mirror each day and say, "Thank you Lord for this perfect body that I would not change one bit." I love the way Emily deals with this topic and so many others.

This book is broken up into chapters in such a way that you could choose to read the book in order or jump around from chapter to chapter as your whim dictates. I am having a hard time right now thinking of a woman who I know reads this blog that this book wouldn't be good for. It isn't brain taxing - a nice book to read before falling asleep and ending the day on a good note. Best when read with a little chocolate...