Friday, April 1, 2011

Am I Mr. Holland?

I have had scenes from Mr. Holland's Opus running through my head for weeks now.  I haven't seen that movie for years and yet there it's been.  I couldn't figure it out at first, but then it hit me.  Mr. Holland had the dream of becoming a composer that got lost in the daily life.  Sure, he ends up with insurmountable personal fulfillment and still gets to put his music writing talents to use because of his career choice, and throughout the movie, we get to see the evolution of his passion.  He even has the culminating great moment when the work that has been ruminating around for several years is prepared and ready for his to conduct.

I long for that.

I have had an incredibly nagging feeling for for weeks - okay, MONTHS - that I need to write.  Not just a blog or facebook update, but really write.  NOW.  However, the daily duties combined with my more recent March Madness*, has worn me out, worn me down and I am left with a deep desire that isn't as deep as my fatigue. 

I have this fear.  I fear I will wake up in 20 years with memories of students and laughs and light bulb moments but will have the feeling of the man who buried his talent and has only that left.  I've done pretty good so far this year with prioritizing myself better, but the nagging feeling is still here and it is almost making me nauseous. 

I fear the look in God's eyes when He asks why i didn't do more with what He gave me. 

I fear that knowledge of what I could have been, who I could have influenced, but let myself become too busy.  Sure there is a time for everything, but I sometimes wonder if we say that because acknowledging that the time could be now is just too damn scary.

Or overwhelming.

Or doesn't go with "the plan."

All I know is I MUST figure something out.

I am sick of feeling sick.

*Updates on birthdays, prom, science fair projects and upcoming baptism are on their way...

1 comment:

Laurel said...

I say, 'hooray for the passion'; 'hooray for the yearning'. That the time might be now is scary, but hooray for it.
I especially like your use of the word 'ruminating'.
It makes me think of "why don't you ruminate whilst I illuminate the possibilities..."