This has not been nearly as pleasant as I thought it would be. There are so many things that I thought I had overcome, healed from and would not be affected by anymore, only to have a memory triggered, the situation recalled with remarkable clarity and emotions resurface that I didn't entirely enjoy the first time around. (I'm sure there would be someone who studies brains and whatnot who would at this point say that it is evidence that the brain is remarkable, and I'm not denying it, but sometimes less than stellar would be nice.) Some of these memories are from high school - almost 15 years ago, and I'm still feeling the pain.
So the question is how does someone heal?
Most of you know that I did not carry two pregnancies to full term. But I did with three. That should be thrilling and joyful, and it is - sincerely. But there are times when I'm still hit by the pain of the two that I lost. I still feel that sadness and longing. Now I know that I have healed somewhat because that isn't an overwhelming emotion - it doesn't keep me from functioning or loving 95% of the moments with my kids (let's be realistic - no one is thrilled to be a parent 100% of the time).
I still feel the hurt from the kid who was and still is a jerk calling me an Amazon - more prevalent because I would really like to lose some weight to feel less like one. I'm happily married to a man who thinks I'm beautiful and amazing, but those thoughts about my height and appearance still creep in every once in a while.
I have great sadness over the friends that I had who were very dear to me that I have not been able to reconnect with. I have some great friends now - some who I would trust with my life or darkest secret and love to spend time with. But I still feel a longing for the friends no longer near.
I firmly believe in the healing power of our Savior and the comfort he can give. But I doubt that I'm alone in my desire to not have to feel what has been felt over and over again. Is that truly possible or just a "wait until you're dead" reality? And is that a question that can be answered or one of the greatest rhetorical questions to ever be written on this blog?
Sorry - not really the most cheerful post. Don't worry, those will be coming soon...