This has not been nearly as pleasant as I thought it would be. There are so many things that I thought I had overcome, healed from and would not be affected by anymore, only to have a memory triggered, the situation recalled with remarkable clarity and emotions resurface that I didn't entirely enjoy the first time around. (I'm sure there would be someone who studies brains and whatnot who would at this point say that it is evidence that the brain is remarkable, and I'm not denying it, but sometimes less than stellar would be nice.) Some of these memories are from high school - almost 15 years ago, and I'm still feeling the pain.
So the question is how does someone heal?
Most of you know that I did not carry two pregnancies to full term. But I did with three. That should be thrilling and joyful, and it is - sincerely. But there are times when I'm still hit by the pain of the two that I lost. I still feel that sadness and longing. Now I know that I have healed somewhat because that isn't an overwhelming emotion - it doesn't keep me from functioning or loving 95% of the moments with my kids (let's be realistic - no one is thrilled to be a parent 100% of the time).
I still feel the hurt from the kid who was and still is a jerk calling me an Amazon - more prevalent because I would really like to lose some weight to feel less like one. I'm happily married to a man who thinks I'm beautiful and amazing, but those thoughts about my height and appearance still creep in every once in a while.
I have great sadness over the friends that I had who were very dear to me that I have not been able to reconnect with. I have some great friends now - some who I would trust with my life or darkest secret and love to spend time with. But I still feel a longing for the friends no longer near.
I firmly believe in the healing power of our Savior and the comfort he can give. But I doubt that I'm alone in my desire to not have to feel what has been felt over and over again. Is that truly possible or just a "wait until you're dead" reality? And is that a question that can be answered or one of the greatest rhetorical questions to ever be written on this blog?
Sorry - not really the most cheerful post. Don't worry, those will be coming soon...
3 comments:
You would think we'd get over it already, wouldn't you?
I remember a few years ago, waking up and being absolutely furious all over again over an unpleasant (but really quite unimportant)experience that had happened with one of my roommates FOUR YEARS PREVIOUSLY. (note to any former roommates who might possibly find this--if we have had ANY contact within the last 5+ years, it wasn't you--not that it matters anyway. It WAS really unimportant after all).
I can't empathize with how it feels to lose two babies, but I remember very well the grief and sadness that can come from unfulfilled hopes, expectations, and dreams. Likewise, I think we ALL have insecurities that cling to us and raise their menacing heads from time to time.
And yet, we are that we might have joy. Perhaps not "24/7-let's-live-in-Disneyland" joy, but joy nonetheless. That knowledge, combined with the absolute assurance that Heavenly Father knows me, watches me, and has a plan for me helps me through the hard times, and makes the sweet times all the more sweet.
As to the last paragraph of your post . . . I'm not positive, but I think that it IS possible to eventually NOT have to feel what has been felt over and over again. But, I think in many cases being able to do so is a spiritual gift that is bestowed by God according to our faith, our efforts, in combination with (and here's the kicker) His timetable.
There are things that I've been able to let go of, memories, regrets, and other things that don't hurt me anymore. Then there are those things that I have not managed to leave behind yet.
I have hope that someday I will leave those as well. Maybe some of them will end up being a "wait until I'm dead" thing, but I'm hoping that they won't. And some days it's enough for me to have that hope.
So there you have it. I'd call it my two cents, but since this comment is so long, I'd better call it my five dollars and twenty-two cents.
I do believe in the adage "You have to hurt to heal". That said, it does take time too. As you stated, those feelings are already not so overwhelming as they once were. The other thing I've learned from my own heartache is that I need to be able to learn from it and not repeat the past. In a particularly hard and betraying moment in my life, this saying came to me: It is the Savior's job to forgive and forget. It is my job to repent and remember. Our experiences make us more compassionate and understanding. They help us help others and I think that's what life's all about.
I don't think it is ever possible to be completely over something. Who knows, maybe it is if you put your trust in the Savior. Each moment in life is never the same and somtimes we just happen to be in an extrememly sensitive moment where bad things resurface unexpected. Perhaps it is a natural defense mechanism so we never forget how we felt. Hope that makes sense!
Oh, I also hope I'm one of those friends you wish you could reconnect with! I sure do miss you- and Enoch too! Love you guys. :)
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